My birthday is on Christmas Day.
My parents handled this "crappy birthday" exceptionally well: They threw me Christmas in July birthday parties every summer until I reached high school.
On Christmas day itself, the tradition was for my brother and I to open all of our presents upstairs, and then for me to venture downstairs to see what my "special" (aka birthday) present was. For my 8th birthday, I got a Gameboy Pocket and Pokemon Red version. Another year, I got a metallic pink bike. I was always beyond excited to go to the basement to see what I had gotten for turning a year older!
Oddly enough, the present that blew the others out of the water was a chalkboard.
My OWN chalkboard! Endless doodling! I could practice my cursive and erase it then practice it again! When my younger cousin came over, we could play School and I could be the teacher! They even got me colored chalk! The possibilities were endless. My father hung it on the wall and I could never remember being more entertained with anything else.
The chalkboard lived out its days of playing School, and playing tic-tac-toe with my mother, and doodles that got fancier with age. When I was 21 and threw a party in my basement, people left me birthday messages on the chalkboard. And when I went away to school and got an apartment, the chalkboard came with me so that my roommates and I could keep a running countdown of days until graduation.
Nowadays, it seems like kids aren't thrilled with anything less than the most expensive electronics and video games.
But I always like to think about how happy it made me to get something as simple as a chalkboard.
Currently, it's sitting with the rest of my college things in
the basement; collecting dust and waiting for the eventual move. But rest assured that no matter where life takes me,that nearly 20 year old chalkboard will come along for the ride.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
The dog that saved me
In honor of my dog Maggie's 10th birthday, I want to share the story that I've kept mostly to myself for the past decade. I want to tell the story of what my dog did to earn such a high pedestal in my life (everyone that knows me knows that I absolutely adore her.)
It's because Maggie saved my life.
15 was my worst age, my most horrid year, my biggest battle. It was when severe depression moved into my mind and made itself at home. I cried every day for months, I was friendless, I had yet to be kissed (or even looked at), I was more than miserable. I didn't get along with my family. I felt like a worthless person who would never amount to anything. I was my own worst enemy and hated everything about myself more than I ever could've imagined.
One day, I was walking home from school and was completely stuck in my miserable thoughts. I made up my mind during that mile-long walk: I was going to end it. I had formulated a plan and finally thought to myself that my life was no longer worth keeping. I was going to end it all.
I got home, collapsed on the floor of my empty house, and cried harder than I had ever cried before. I was mentally preparing to do what I thought I needed to...
But that's when this little black puppy came bounding into the room, tail going berserk, tongue hanging out, and pounced up on me. She started to lick all of the tears off my face and snuggled her way into my arms. I couldn't help but smile a little as a previously unthinkable thought crossed my mind: there's someone who doesn't think I'm worthless. If this little puppy is so excited to see me, maybe I'm not that unlovable after all.
Eventually my tears ceased, and I looked down at Maggie and saw a ray of hope; this is why I call her my Sunshine.
Happy Birthday, Maggie.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
love, loss, lay offs and a landslide of medical problems...Goodbye, 2014!
2014...
It began on a high: On the first day of 2014, I was in Pittsburgh visiting my friends, and had a date with "Pittsburgh guy" who I was off-and-on with for two and a half years.
With us, it had always felt like timing was off. But that day, he made me believe that maybe it could be different from then on. Maybe there was a chance, maybe this was just the beginning, maybe if I did move back to Pittsburgh then we could actually be something for once.
I hate maybes.
And for good reason, because only a month after that wonderful date, he broke my heart in an unforgivable way and I said my final goodbye....after years of back and forth, I finally had had enough.
The beginning of the year quickly took a nosedive, with "Pittsburgh guy's" disappearance and also my own health. I had an injection in my hip and had a reaction to it, which sent me to the ER. That ER visit also led to my first cancer scare: they found a nodule in my lung, and although a non-smoking 24 year old didn't concern them, I knew better: my disease is very closely linked, and my chances of getting any kind of cancer (or one of my tumors turning cancerous) is higher than normal.
Thankfully, it was just scar tissue.
I went to visit my friend in Florida at the end of January, and it was a wonderful visit. She is somebody who I can enjoy mutual weirdness with, and I don't really think it's possible to have a bad weekend with her. We went to Islands of adventure and I finally saw the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. We also went to see Jeff Dunham live, and at the end our faces hurt from laughing so much. There was even a 70 degree day where I got a TAN in January! This is where the rollercoaster of 2014 gets way up high again..but unfortunately, with my return to the freezing state of New Jersey, it took another nosedive.
I was scheduled for surgery in February to have a tumor removed from my shoulder blade, but just a week before at my pre-op visit, my surgery was canceled because it was determined that the tumor had shrunk and it wasn't definite that the tumor was causing my pain. I had a breakdown in my doctor's office because of the cancellation, due to the fact that my job had already replaced me and I had had everything planned. Pulling plans from under my feet like that is a good way to bring out my anxiety!
As a result of the cancellation, I finally sought out a pain management doctor and was instantly put on several medications to try to control the pain. It took several different combinations before the benefits outweighed the side-effects, so at least half of 2014 was spent with endless stomach problems, extreme drowsiness (and horrible mornings) and weight gain due to the meds. I was also quickly diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, which explained the random & intense pain I was having that was unassociated with tumors.
March hit and my family got the worst news imaginable: my aunt Ru, who had had her cancer contained for a few months, had found out that it spread... and it had spread to her brain.
So, obviously 2014 started out pretty rocky for me.. and unfortunately it didn't get much better as summer came. I went on a few dates that turned out to be complete wastes of time and energy, and when July hit I was laid off from my job. For the first time I faced unemployment without any kind of backup plan. Only a few days after being laid off, I had surgery on my right hand, which thankfully gave me some kind of excuse to do nothing. It took me 3 months to find any kind of job, and this was bottom-level retail...taking a pay cut and swallowing the pride that I had gained in obtaining a degree.
Where does 2014 get better? Where does this depressing blog post come up with a bright note that suddenly turns it from moping into a happy ending?
Well, the happy ending comes when I finally get back into the dating scene again and go on a first date with some guy at the Cheesecake factory in October. I wasn't looking forward to it, I wasn't expecting anything more than a free dinner and awkward conversation. I don't even think I put in any extra effort into how I looked: I wore what I had worn to work that morning.
But then I got a surprise: he was cute, he was sweet, and he was weird. I mean weirder than I am. I mean weird in the same way that I am: sarcastic, random, light-hearted, anything but dry. And after the date I got a hug, and I got into my car and decided that he had earned a second date from being himself.
But, time went on and he earned a lot more than that. Only a few weeks after we met, he went to Punta Cana on vacation and he bought an international texting plan so that we could keep talking that week. Only a few weeks later, I gave him the "disclosure" speech and told him about my disease, my pain, my scars. I told him that he didn't have to stick around if he didn't want to. But his reaction was "So? You're beautiful inside and out, scars and all." He even researched my disease online, which NO ONE ever does (not even my family) and asked all the right questions and said the right things. I was astounded, because no guy had ever really "accepted" what was wrong with me. Some guys made fun of my pain, some ignored it, some acted as if I was making it all up. But it's like he understood with no pause or problem.
Soon after, he sent me flowers when I was having a bad week. And right after that, my aunt Ruth, the wonderful, strong, "bulletproof" woman whom I had always had a special bond with, passed away with her family surrounding her.
I was a wreck. I cried every day for weeks. And at her funeral, I sobbed so hard during my speech that I became a human booger fountain. But the most incredible thing: he was there for me the entire time, in the best ways I ever could've asked for.
He instantly fit in with my family. When I'm having bad pain days, he's as gentle as a feather and will give me shoulder rubs. He holds the doors, he has more patience than I ever could've dreamed of, he can make me smile when I'm holding back tears. Really, I found the perfect person at the perfect time. I'm not one who "needs to be needed" or wants to rely on anybody; but he came along when I needed support more than ever. I may not have been in the best place, but he is helping me become better in every way. He became my light in a year filled with so much darkness. And I hope 2014 is just the beginning for us.
I also hope that 2015 is a LOT better... please, for the love of cheese and all things holey.
It began on a high: On the first day of 2014, I was in Pittsburgh visiting my friends, and had a date with "Pittsburgh guy" who I was off-and-on with for two and a half years.
With us, it had always felt like timing was off. But that day, he made me believe that maybe it could be different from then on. Maybe there was a chance, maybe this was just the beginning, maybe if I did move back to Pittsburgh then we could actually be something for once.
I hate maybes.
And for good reason, because only a month after that wonderful date, he broke my heart in an unforgivable way and I said my final goodbye....after years of back and forth, I finally had had enough.
The beginning of the year quickly took a nosedive, with "Pittsburgh guy's" disappearance and also my own health. I had an injection in my hip and had a reaction to it, which sent me to the ER. That ER visit also led to my first cancer scare: they found a nodule in my lung, and although a non-smoking 24 year old didn't concern them, I knew better: my disease is very closely linked, and my chances of getting any kind of cancer (or one of my tumors turning cancerous) is higher than normal.
Thankfully, it was just scar tissue.
I went to visit my friend in Florida at the end of January, and it was a wonderful visit. She is somebody who I can enjoy mutual weirdness with, and I don't really think it's possible to have a bad weekend with her. We went to Islands of adventure and I finally saw the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. We also went to see Jeff Dunham live, and at the end our faces hurt from laughing so much. There was even a 70 degree day where I got a TAN in January! This is where the rollercoaster of 2014 gets way up high again..but unfortunately, with my return to the freezing state of New Jersey, it took another nosedive.
I was scheduled for surgery in February to have a tumor removed from my shoulder blade, but just a week before at my pre-op visit, my surgery was canceled because it was determined that the tumor had shrunk and it wasn't definite that the tumor was causing my pain. I had a breakdown in my doctor's office because of the cancellation, due to the fact that my job had already replaced me and I had had everything planned. Pulling plans from under my feet like that is a good way to bring out my anxiety!
As a result of the cancellation, I finally sought out a pain management doctor and was instantly put on several medications to try to control the pain. It took several different combinations before the benefits outweighed the side-effects, so at least half of 2014 was spent with endless stomach problems, extreme drowsiness (and horrible mornings) and weight gain due to the meds. I was also quickly diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, which explained the random & intense pain I was having that was unassociated with tumors.
March hit and my family got the worst news imaginable: my aunt Ru, who had had her cancer contained for a few months, had found out that it spread... and it had spread to her brain.
So, obviously 2014 started out pretty rocky for me.. and unfortunately it didn't get much better as summer came. I went on a few dates that turned out to be complete wastes of time and energy, and when July hit I was laid off from my job. For the first time I faced unemployment without any kind of backup plan. Only a few days after being laid off, I had surgery on my right hand, which thankfully gave me some kind of excuse to do nothing. It took me 3 months to find any kind of job, and this was bottom-level retail...taking a pay cut and swallowing the pride that I had gained in obtaining a degree.
Where does 2014 get better? Where does this depressing blog post come up with a bright note that suddenly turns it from moping into a happy ending?
Well, the happy ending comes when I finally get back into the dating scene again and go on a first date with some guy at the Cheesecake factory in October. I wasn't looking forward to it, I wasn't expecting anything more than a free dinner and awkward conversation. I don't even think I put in any extra effort into how I looked: I wore what I had worn to work that morning.
But then I got a surprise: he was cute, he was sweet, and he was weird. I mean weirder than I am. I mean weird in the same way that I am: sarcastic, random, light-hearted, anything but dry. And after the date I got a hug, and I got into my car and decided that he had earned a second date from being himself.
But, time went on and he earned a lot more than that. Only a few weeks after we met, he went to Punta Cana on vacation and he bought an international texting plan so that we could keep talking that week. Only a few weeks later, I gave him the "disclosure" speech and told him about my disease, my pain, my scars. I told him that he didn't have to stick around if he didn't want to. But his reaction was "So? You're beautiful inside and out, scars and all." He even researched my disease online, which NO ONE ever does (not even my family) and asked all the right questions and said the right things. I was astounded, because no guy had ever really "accepted" what was wrong with me. Some guys made fun of my pain, some ignored it, some acted as if I was making it all up. But it's like he understood with no pause or problem.
Soon after, he sent me flowers when I was having a bad week. And right after that, my aunt Ruth, the wonderful, strong, "bulletproof" woman whom I had always had a special bond with, passed away with her family surrounding her.
I was a wreck. I cried every day for weeks. And at her funeral, I sobbed so hard during my speech that I became a human booger fountain. But the most incredible thing: he was there for me the entire time, in the best ways I ever could've asked for.
He instantly fit in with my family. When I'm having bad pain days, he's as gentle as a feather and will give me shoulder rubs. He holds the doors, he has more patience than I ever could've dreamed of, he can make me smile when I'm holding back tears. Really, I found the perfect person at the perfect time. I'm not one who "needs to be needed" or wants to rely on anybody; but he came along when I needed support more than ever. I may not have been in the best place, but he is helping me become better in every way. He became my light in a year filled with so much darkness. And I hope 2014 is just the beginning for us.
I also hope that 2015 is a LOT better... please, for the love of cheese and all things holey.
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